I Could

I could be a real bitch here.

I could really unleash

What's been building up 

Inside of me

Since you left.

You're just like the last one

Just like little toy soldiers

You all line up to march

Out of my life

I could compare you two so closely

Cowards, the both of you

So much similarity

So much so that I could laugh

Same complaints

"You're impossible to live with"

"I didn't leave the kids, I left you"

"I don't care what you think I never have"

Sitting there trying to act tough

Like anything you say is going to hurt me

Anymore

My reply

"You were no ball of sunshine yourself"

"You left, that's all they see regardless of how 

   You'd like to rationalize your selfishness"

"And now I no longer care about your thoughts, 

   Your wants, your dictates.  You no longer have power

      Over me"

But for one moment, if you're thinking

That I'm going to make any of this even

Remotely easy for you

You're sadly mistaken.

You've decided that your freedom 

Is more important than being

A real man.

One who sticks through the tough times

Willing to work to make it worth the effort

Willing to keep a real home for your child

Willing to live up to all the lies 

That dripped from your lips like 

The bullshit it turned out to be.

You had us all fooled.

Not just the three of us, but all those I love.

The people that treated you like more of a 

Son than your own loved ones.  

The people who are hurting right along

With we three

But your freedom was more important

The alcohol must have cleared it all up for you

Hanging with your unattached buddies must have

Made the path ahead of you look so much clearer

I could really be a bitch about this

Couldn't I?

You Asked...

Tired

I've been up too long.

Sitting here staring at a screen

Looking for meaning 

In a meaningless world

Calm

I'm calmly plotting

My next fuckup

My unbelievable belief

That what I know to be true

Has just undergone 

A dramatic change

Lies

How can you even 

Look me in the face?

When everything you

Ever stood for 

Was nothing 

But lip service.

Honor

As far as I'm concerned

You lack honor

Your complete lack 

Of imagination

Of staying power

Endings

Thank you

For getting out

For running scared

From responsibility

From the truth

Why am I writing all this?

You asked...
Or maybe that was me...

Empty

There’s nothing really in here.


Just an empty woman trying to refill

Trying to regain,

Trying to remain…



Sorta lost my footing here…

Fucked up an floundering…

Unable to find my own way.

Trying not to take the easy

Way just one more time.

You never really saw me
You never cared to look inside
Your innocent insults
Weren't something you could hide.

So where does someone like me go.

When everything else is gone.

Afraid to show what’s really in here…

Afraid to find out that I’m really

Just empty…

Hello?

I'm trying to forget you.

I'm trying to move on,

Just like you want me to.

I'm trying to regain my life.

I'm trying to start again,

I just don't understand why

You won't leave me the hell alone?

You call here almost daily

You ask me how we are

Like you give a shit about me at all

Like you really care about how I feel

I need you to just stop

Just leave us alone for a while

You wanted out

You got out,

Now you need to stay out

For a while

Till I can deal with you

Without hurting.

Without aching.

Just leave us be.

Momma's Rage

She stands there.

So much anger inside of her that

She knows is going to boil over

She knows

She knows when momma's mad,

She knows when momma's sad,

She knows when momma's anger

Her hate, is going to hurt her bad.

The first slap means nothing,

Just suprise upon her face.

Then the second blow is landed

But by then she already knows

She knows that momma loves her

She knows that she must have done wrong

She knows that when it's said and done,

Momma will hold her all night long.

But somewhere between the first slap

And the child bleeding on the floor.

She just became an object, not a Momma

Not at all.

She stands and watches and wonders why

She can't get up, She doesn't understand

She's already beyond the pain here,

She's free from Momma's rage.

How, what why???

Never had it.

Never said it

Fighting my way 

Through the tears.

To understand

While your lies 

Dripped sweetly 

From your lips.

There's a ball of pain

Lodged inside my chest

Unfortunately,

It's been there since

You left.

Some People...

People like you astound me.
Ready to fight over the smallest things.
Creating arguments
Just for fun.
Thriving on the pain you create
With your lies
Blaming others for your own actions.
With nothing better to do with your time
Than to start trouble
For your betters
People that wouldn't,
Couldn't
Hurt others the way you do

One day,
You'll see
What a bitch
Karma can be.

Your Mistake

Here it is.
Right in front of your face.
Your biggest mistake
Your biggest mistake

She stands there smiling
With wonder in her eyes
Your smug superiourity
Blinds you to your lies

How can you not see it
How can you not care
Missing her biggest moments
Cause you're too selfish to care.

Your mistake is not seeing
Just what you left behind
Your mistake is the underrating
The woman here inside.

There's more in me than the cowardace
You fought so fiercely to obtain
Now I'll show you the doorway
To face your deepest pain.

I'm tired of feeling worthless
I'm tired of being your scapegoat
It's time for me to unleash
The naked truth to rock your boat.

So now's the time to show all
Lay the cards out on the line
time to show you all
That I'm really alive in here

Somehow
Somehow.......

Here, but Really Gone...

There you sit, so un-caring.
Pretending to be involved when you're
Just so happy to be out.
So happy to be the one who ran
Trying once again to be the one who
Rules the roost, wanting things your way
Even while you're heart left months ago.
You're just not really in it...
You're not really here...
So why do I care if you care?

Too Much...

There's too much life out there.
There's so much pain.
Pain that lingers on everyone.
Pain I can't contain.

I'm so damn tired
Tired of playing nice
Tired of always finding the one
Who learns how to play me
Pulling my strings

I'll never be that girl again.
The girl that bends
Sweetly at the waist
And takes it up the ass

You'll never know
Who's really in here
Never see the empty shell
I really thought you'd free
I really thought you'd be

But I, We were too much for you...

The Pursuit of Happiness

I'm as empty as a woman can get.
All tied up, fucked up inside
Anger blinding me to the truth
Your scathing superiority, 
Your trigger, my gun

I feel it burning in me all the time...
The rage I can't set free
The lies that compound me
The lies that compel me
To do something
I must avoid

I try to be un-caring
I try to just ignore
I try make you understand
With the silence in my words.

I need to release this anger
Somewhere
Somehow
I need to make you understand
You've killed my every single vow.

Your hipocracy astounds me
Your not anyone I know
I hope you find the happiness
You've killed me to obtain.

Your Favorite Scapegoat

Somewhere lies the child
I never got to be.
Somewhere hides the darkness
Just waiting to be free
Just like a cancer
I've killed it all
All that’s good in me


Where I’ve been
What I’ve done
Who I’ve had to be
Just lies, all lies
All there is to me

Burrow deeper under the skin
I’ll never be clean
It sits there on the surface
It’s all that anyone sees.
No matter how hard I scream
No matter how red I bleed
All that you ever cared to see
Is what you tried to make of me


Always so damn wrong.
Always the one at fault
Always your favorite scapegoat
Always your favorite scapegoat

Never Enough...

Where does it end?
I’m so tired of feeling like I’m not really in here…
Like my skin’s too tight to hold me in and I’m just going to come pouring out at any moment…

You see, in many ways, I’m still there.
Still finding solace in the slender vial of heroin.
Pushing the pain away and plunging myself further into heartache….

Where does it end?
This incessant waiting for the day that I stop craving.
The day I finally come back to myself, like a prisoner finally set free.
Like nothing I do really matters in the long run…

I was supposed to matter.
I was supposed to be the someone everyone talked about.
The someone little girls wished they’d grow up to be just like
And now I’m not even proud of me
Now I just wish I’d disappear…

How to other people overcome this?
I haven’t touched heroin in almost five years
Others call that an achievement, I just call it cowardice
I’m just afraid of what I’ll become if I slip back into oblivion…


Damn it, I wanted to be proud.
Wanted my girls, the only ones who matter,
To look up at me and be proud of something other
Than my ability to abstain from the drug
I wanted to be their heroine..


But all I am is lost.
All I am is me,
Not enough for anyone…

Letter to an Unknown Soldier...

Inconsequential things…


The way you laughed, the way you’d sigh
The way you’d smile.
I’ll remember it all.
The way you’d jump to make right
Any injustice you saw.
Seemed only right
Somehow…


So off you went to fight.

You went into hell
You went into the fire
You fearlessly fought
For another man’s desire
You tried to make right,

What wasn’t right from the start…

So goodbye soldier
Goodbye daddy to be
Goodbye eyes
That only saw good in me.
Goodbye shoulders
So strong
So brave
Goodbye to one more hero
Too young for the grave.


It just isn’t fair


That you’ll never hold your daughter
She’ll know you only by photo’s
By my memories
And the dog tag’s
They sent back home…

Laying somewhere a million miles away

Never to look into the eyes,
so much like your own…
So much like your own.
And this is the injustice
You can’t fight at all…
Now you can’t fight at all…